


Magnificent Teleplay Appendices

by Cease_and_Desist (Scedasticity)



Series: Magnificent Teleplay [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2000-11-29
Updated: 2000-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-04 00:44:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5313545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scedasticity/pseuds/Cease_and_Desist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Where are Appendices 4 and 5, you may ask? I honestly do not know.</p></blockquote>





	1. Teleplay Introduction

But Then Things Got Complicated  
_or_  
The Magnificent Teleplay  
_or_  
Cease &Desist's Appalling Crossover Fanfic  
  
An Introduction  
  
The Magnificent Teleplay is the product of the twisted minds of two sisters whose names we shall withhold for the sake of their family. They shall be referred to here as Cease and Desist, on account of what people kept telling them to do. The original starting point was conceived by Desist; the Magnificent Teleplay itself was committed to paper--or to be more accurate, kilobytes--by Cease. It was crafted (with love, they claim) by both. It may be worth noting in passing that the Magnificent Teleplay is merely the single recorded sample of the vast oral tradition of Cease and Desist, which is collectively referred to as AOTA (All Of The Above, for reasons which should be obvious to anyone who has looked much at the Magnificent Teleplay).  
  
The Magnificent Teleplay must be classified as humorous crossover fanfic, flirting at times with parody. It is above all else a labor of love, or possibly an exercise in insanity. Due to its highly complex plot and innumerable characters, the authors have provided a set of Appendices. These include a listing of all characters, in order of their appearance, with the origins of each. In the case of obscure and fabricated characters, some brief information is provided. Also included is a list of terms, concepts, and things which take on a special meaning in the context of AOTA, and an explanation of their origins for the truly curious. There is also a list of songs. Assorted characters occasionally feel the need to burst into song. Some of them repeatedly, unfortunately. But fear not, they never get farther than a few lines.  
  
You can read and enjoy the Magnificent Teleplay even if you're not completely familiar with all of the material which gave rise to it. The more of it with which you're familiar, of course, the more nuances you will catch and, presumably, the more enjoyment you will find. The minimal familiarity required to appreciate the Magnificent Teleplay is... well, probably just a keen sense of the absurd and being pretty quick on the uptake, and/or a willingness to keep consulting the appendices. But it's much easier to enjoy if you have at least a passing familiarity with the TNG-DS9-VGR _Star Trek_ series; because the _Star Trek_ franchise is the largest of any of the contributing elements, it probably has contributed the most. Most of the action takes place on various Starfleet vessels and Deep Space Nine. The authors imagine that almost everyone, or at least almost everyone at all likely to be reading this, has sufficient familiarity with _Star Wars_ to not miss anything in particular on that account. The exception to that is the amount of AOTAfied material drawn from _Star Wars_ ; please, while reading the first portion of the Magnificent Teleplay, _consult Appendix 2_ as needed. Material was also drawn from _Farscape_ , and familiarity with this show/universe is strongly desirable but perhaps not absolutely necessary; familiarity with _Dark Angel_ and _Andromeda_ is desirable but unnecessary. Even less familiarity is required with _Mystery Science Theater 3000_. Minimal familiarity with _The X-Files_ is necessary. This is known because Cease has never seen the show (though Desist has), and she helped write this _bleep_ ed thing.  
  
Which brings us to another topic: the rating. The authors tentatively suggest PG. The Magnificent Teleplay contains no swearing on account of the Automatic Editing System, which converts all profanity into _bleep_ , or on occasion, _bleep_ ing _bleep_ of a _bleep_! The authors invite the reader to mentally insert the profanity which seems to them the most appropriate; they are sure you can do better than they can. (At least, Cease is sure, and isn't going to allow Desist to try.) The Magnificent Teleplay is at times rather violent, but not graphic. Characters are at times injured and some bad guys are mean and nasty to other people. There are no explicitly described sexual situations--we would be far too embarrassed--but there are some jokes, references, and implied activity--oh, and several people of various species and genders are captured by Jabba the Hutt and forced to wear dancer outfits. In short, if you think you're going to be offended by this, don't read it; if you don't know where babies come from, this does not in fact explain so it would probably just confuse you; but overall it is Suitable for General Consumption.  
  
All characters herein are written according to either the authors' own perceptions of them or a caricaturization based loosely on the authors' perceptions. Some characters drop in and out of caricaturehood. If you find your favorite character acting like a caricature, the authors apologize in advance; they are most likely aware that the character does not in fact really act like that. Some characters may also be somewhat idealized or be playing the role of Token Sane Person; the authors are also aware of that.  
  
The Magnificent Teleplay does not attempt to conform to _any_ continuity. (The exception to this involves the ) Dead people appear more or less at the authors' whim--and no, it never is going to explain just why they aren't dead anymore. The Magnificent Teleplay was written over the course of years. Characters evolved, were demoted, were added, were reinstated, were twinned, died, were born, got together, split up, switched sides, and often had to be retrofitted. Indeed, at times the whole thing had to be retrofitted. To repeat: no continuity is attempted with regard to any of the universes. It cannot be placed on a timeline. That said, there are points at which the authors stopped trying to retrofit. _Star Trek_ was followed until shortly after the end of DS9; the last year or so of _Voyager_ , _Nemesis_ , and all later books (except the Millennium trilogy) were _not_ taken into account. All _New Jedi Order_ books were ignored, because Cease got annoyed with them. We loved _Peacekeeper Wars_ , but decided it would be too much work to make the necessary retrofits. On the other hand, _internal_ continuity errors--characters evidently teleporting from place to place with no explanation, mysteriously vanishing, and so forth--are the authors' mistake.  
  
  
DISCLAIMER:  
The authors do not own any of the TV shows, movies, books, or songs referenced in this work. These TV shows, movies, books, and songs all belong to their respective owners. The authors desire no profit from this Masterwork. The authors apologize humbly. Well, not particularly humbly, but they do apologize. All parts of the teleplay that do not belong to someone else belong to Cease &Desist--now there's an obvious statement. Regarding the fabricated concepts and characters, the authors do not imagine they could possibly prevent anyone else from using them, nor do they wish to do so, nor do they object to the Magnificent Teleplay's duplication, but the authors would most sincerely appreciate being told that someone actually read and liked their masterwork, because the authors are very sad and pathetic individuals in need of friends (and lives). For this reason, the authors request that anyone wishing to use their unique characters or duplicate the Magnificent Teleplay online send an email.  



	2. Appendix 1 (Characters)

  
**A NOTE ON CHARACTERIZATION:** As this is a humorous Masterpiece, the characterization is in places not precisely 100% true to canon. That is to say, sometimes some characters are not so much characterized as caricatured. These caricaturizations vary in extent and duration; most are affectionate exaggerations of existing tendencies, some are just plain mean, and some, especially of minor characters, are just twisting the character to fill a necessary narrative niche. Anyway, if you haven't seen all the shows/movies, we don't want you to get the idea that all the characters are really like this, and if you have seen them, we don't want you to get the idea that we really think the characters are like this, (and if we really mangled your favorite character, Cease apologizes). So, this is why some of the characters are completely out to lunch. Some of the worst instances have been labeled as such. Other characters (and there is some overlap) are called upon at various times to assume the role of Token Sane Person.  
  


**\------------------------  
1**  
**VOICE:** Just a Voice.  
**HAN SOLO:** From _Star Wars_ (classic trilogy and Expanded Universe (novels)). **  
LEIA ORGANA SOLO:** From _Star Wars_ (classic trilogy and EU (Expended Universe)). **  
LUKE SKYWALKER:** From _Star Wars_ (classic trilogy and EU). **  
CHEWBACCA OF KASHYYYK:** From _Star Wars_ (classic trilogy and EU). **  
JAINA SOLO:** From _Star Wars_ EU, beginning with _The Last Command_. Han and Leia's daughter, Jacen's twin, here about fifteen. **  
ANAKIN SOLO:** From _Star Wars_ EU, beginning with _Jedi Search_. Han and Leia's son, here about thirteen and a half. **  
NASHIRA SOLO:** Fabricated for _Star Wars_ , another child of Han and Leia, here about nine. **  
JACEN SOLO:** From _Star Wars_ EU, beginning with _The Last Command_. Han and Leia's son, Jaina's twin, here about fifteen. **  
DUDE:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS. **  
TAHIRI:** From _Star Wars_ EU beginning with but not limited to the _Junior Jedi Knights_ ; a Jedi student a few years younger than Anakin. **  
MARA JADE:** From _Star Wars_ EU, beginning with _Heir to the Empire_. Married to Luke. (Like I said, no consistent continuity.) **  
NOMI SOLO:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under NOMI. About three years old. **  
WAN-WAN SOLO:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under WAN-WAN. About three. **  
BENJAMIN SISKO:** Major character in _ST:DS9_. Yes, he's, uh, living in the wormhole, but let's just ignore that, shall we? **  
KIRA NERYS:** Major character in _ST:DS9_. **  
MILES O'BRIEN:** Major character in _ST:DS9_. **  
EZRI DAX:** Major character in _ST:DS9_. **  
JADZIA DAX:** Major character in _ST:DS9_. Yes, she's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
JULIAN BASHIR:** Major character in _ST:DS9_. **  
ODO:** Major character in _ST:DS9_. **  
PUNK:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS. **  
\------------------------  
2  
RO LAREN:** Repeating character on _ST:TNG_ ; defected to Maquis terrorists/freedom fighters. Yes, her situation has changed in more recent novels, but it would be way too much work to go change this. **  
REDDY:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS. **  
JAKE SISKO:** Major character in _ST:DS9_. **  
NOG:** Repeating character on _ST:DS9_ ; currently Lieutenant. **  
WORF:** Major character in _ST:TNG_ and _ST:DS9_. Somewhat caricatured. **  
TOTO:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS. **  
ENSIGN LAMPSHADE:** See Appendix 2 under ENSIGN. **  
KEIKO O'BRIEN:** Repeating character on _ST:TNG_ and _ST:DS9_. **  
MOLLY O'BRIEN:** Same as above. **  
\------------------------  
3  
JEAN-LUC PICARD:** Major character on _ST:TNG._ **  
WILLIAM RIKER:** Major character on _ST:TNG._ **  
DATA:** Major character on _ST:TNG._ **  
DEANNA TROI:** Major character on _ST:TNG._ **  
GEORDI LA FORGE:** Major character on _ST:TNG._ **  
BIG BOY:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS. **  
LIEUTENANT LOVESTRUCK:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under LOVESTRUCK. **  
THOMAS RIKER?:** Wait for clarification. **  
MACKENZIE CALHOUN:** Character in _Star Trek: New Frontier_ novels, the rather unorthodox captain of the _Excalibur_. Proud of his 'Xenexian' heritage, and owns a sword. Caricatured! (In fact, almost all the _New Frontier_ characters are caricatured.) **  
ELIZABETH SHELBY:** Character in _Star Trek: New Frontier_ novels (2IC of _Excalibur_ ), with one appearance in _TNG_ ( _The Best of Both Worlds_ ) **  
SELAR:** Character in _Star Trek: New Frontier_ novels, with one appearance in _TNG_. ( _The Schizoid Man_ ) The _pon farr_ deal is exaggerated from the books, but not as much as you might think. **  
\------------------------  
4  
KATHRYN JANEWAY:** Major character in _ST:VGR_. **  
HARRY KIM:** Major character in _ST:VGR_. **  
CHAKOTAY:** Major character in _ST:VGR_. **  
TOM PARIS:** Major character in _ST:VGR_. **  
B'ELANNA TORRES:** Major character in _ST:VGR_. **  
SEVEN OF NINE:** Major character in _ST:VGR_. **  
TUVOK:** Major character in _ST:VGR_. **  
SLEEPY SECURITY OFFICERS:** What they sound like. **  
BURGOYNE 172:** Character in _Star Trek: New Frontier_ novels (heavily caricatured). What you need to know is that Burgoyne is a Hermat, one of a hermaphroditic species with a very open attitude to sex. All this got mixed up with Selar's _pon farr_. It was kind of messy, although not as messy as depicted here. I don't know where the hell the casadilla song thing came from. **  
BEVERLY CRUSHER:** Major character on _ST:TNG._ **  
\------------------------  
5  
THE DOCTOR:** Major character in _ST:VGR_. **  
NEELIX:** Major character in _ST:VGR_. **  
KES:** Major character in _ST:VGR_. Yes, she dissolved and returned a homicidal old lady -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE, and forget all of it. **  
SOLETA:** Character in _Star Trek: New Frontier_ novels, in our interpretation a beleagured and long-suffering individual. **  
RIKER 3:** Wait for clarification. **  
DRUNK AND DISORDERLY FERENGI:** What they sound like. **  
RIKER 4:** Wait for clarification. **  
NAOMI WILDMAN:** Repeating character (child) in _ST:VGR_. **  
SAMANTHA WILDMAN:** Repeating character in _ST:VGR_. **  
RIKER 5:** Wait for clarification. **  
\------------------------  
6  
KIRAYOSHI O'BRIEN:** From _ST:DS9_ , Miles and Keiko O'Brien's second child. **  
JOHN CRICHTON:** Major character in _Farscape_.  
**AERYN SUN:** Major character in _Farscape_.  
**CHIANA:** Major character in _Farscape_. **  
ENSIGN PILLOWCASE:** See Appendix 2 under ENSIGN. **  
CUTIE:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS.  
**PA'U ZOTOH ZHAAN:** Major character in _Farscape_. Yes, she's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
\------------------------  
7  
VEDEKS VOTEFERME 1, 2, and 3:** Bajoran Vedeks -- religious leaders just below the kai -- campaigning for office of some sort. (Usually for the office of kai, but as that's occupied just now, they're just sort of campaigning.)  
**DRD:** Little robot on Moya, sometimes controlled by either Pilot or Moya, sometimes independent. They're cool. **  
QUARK:** Main character on _ST:DS9_. **  
M'PELLA:** Appeared in _ST:DS9_ episodes; dabo girl at Quark's bar. ( _In the Pale Moonlight_ , _The Dogs of War_ ) **  
LANDO CALRISSIAN:** First appeared in _The Empire Strikes Back_. **  
KA D'ARGO:** Major character on _Farscape_. Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE.  
**KA JOTHEE:** Repeating character on _Farscape_ , D'Argo's son. This is the season 2/3 Jothee, not the responsible grown-up _PK Wars_ Jothee. **  
\------------------------  
8  
KAI WINN:** Repeating character on _ST:DS9_ , very political religious leader. Yes, she's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
GENERIC BAJORAN MONKS:** What they sounds like. **  
SI CWAN:** Character in _Star Trek: New Frontier_ novels. **  
ROBIN LEFLER:** Character in _Star Trek: New Frontier_ novels -- one appearance on _ST:TNG_ in _The Game_. **  
CREWMAN DELL:** _Voyager_ junior crew, in Engineering. We know almost nothing about him, so who's to say he _doesn't_ act like this?  
**CREWMAN JOR:** _Voyager_ junior crew, in Engineering. While we can probably be pretty sure she doesn't act like this, we've only ever seen her in crisis situations, so...  
**MARK MCHENRY:** Character in _Star Trek: New Frontier_ novels. **  
ENSIGN X:** See Appendix 2 under ENSIGN. **  
WESLEY CRUSHER:** Major character on _ST:TNG._ Yes, he's vanished -- we chose to ignore it. We're not very nice to him at first, but it does improve.  
**MOYA:** Major character and ship on _Farscape_.  
**STARK:** Major character on _Farscape_.  
**PILOT:** Major character on _Farscape_. **  
\------------------------  
9  
ROSIE:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS. **  
RIKER 5=DOMINION SPY:** A _ST:DS9_ shapechanger villain. **  
RIKER 1=THOMAS RIKER:** William Riker's transporter duplicate, ( _ST:TNG_ episode _Second Chances_ ), he later joined the Maquis ( _ST:DS9_ episode _Defiant_ ). **  
RIKER 3=WILLIAM RIKER:** See earlier reference. **  
RIKER 4=SKIPPY RIKER:** Fabricated. See Appendix 2 under RIKER, SKIPPY. **  
JEM'HADAR:** _ST:DS9_ bad guy soldier. **  
RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** What it sounds like. **  
\------------------------  
10  
ZAK KEBRON:** Character in _Star Trek: New Frontier_ novels. See Appendix 2 under GOLDFISH. Caricature! **  
GUL DUKAT:** Repeating bad guy on _ST:DS9_. Yes, he's dead -- we assume -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. Caricature!

**\------------------------  
11  
JOOLUSHKO TUNAI FENTA HOVALIS:** Better known as Jool. Repeating character on _Farscape_. Yes, she left, but lets say she came back. **  
GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** From _Star Wars_  what it sounds like. **  
ADMIRAL NECHEYEV:** Repeating admiral on _ST:TNG_ ( _Preemptive Strike_ ) and _ST:DS9_ ( _The Search_ ) **  
ADMIRAL ROSS:** Repeating admiral on _ST:DS9._ **  
ADMIRAL PARIS:** Tom Pariss father, as established in _ST:VGR_. ( _Persistence of Vision_ , _Pathfinder_ , _Thirty Days_ ) **  
ADMIRAL JELLICO:** Promoted from Captain Jellico of _ST:TNG_ s _Chain of Command_ ; also appeared in _New Frontier_ novels. **  
OTHER ASSORTED ADMIRALS:** What they sound like. **  
\------------------------  
12  
CARDASSIAN TECH:** What it sounds like. **  
CHOMPER:** Fabricated  see Appendix 2 under JACENS PETS. **  
JACK THE RIPPER:** Fabricated  see Appendix 2 under JACENS PETS. **  
TOOTHY:** Fabricated  see Appendix 2 under JACENS PETS. **  
MORN:** Repeating character/scenery on _ST:DS9_. **  
LEETA:** Repeating character on _ST:DS9_ , first appearance in _Explorers_. **  
ROM:** Repeating character on _ST:DS9_. **  
BUGGY:** Fabricated  see Appendix 2 under JACENS PETS. **  
\------------------------  
13  
DAMAR:** Repeating character on _ST:DS9_. Yes, hes dead  see Appendix 2 under PIZZA  well, all right, I mean under DEAD PEOPLE. Exaggerated. **  
WEYOUN:** Repeating character (bad guy) on _ST:DS9_. Yeah, they _said_ all his clones were dead, but  theyre clones. **  
SELA:** Romulan spy on _ST:TNG_. ( _Redemption_ ) **  
SEE-THREEPIO:** From _Star Wars_. **  
\------------------------  
14  
ELIM GARAK:** Repeating character on _ST:DS9_ , Cardassian tailor/spy (good guy).  
**VOICE OF SCORPIUS:** See later reference for SCORPIUS.  
**KASIDY YATES:** Repeating character on _ST:DS9_  married to Benjamin Sisko. (First appearance _Family Business_ ) **  
LUTHER SLOAN:** Section 31 spy and assassin on _ST:DS9_. Appeared in _Inquisition_ , _Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges_ , and _Extreme Measures_. He does not get along well with Dr. Bashir. Yes, hes dead  see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
\------------------------  
15  
GENERIC IMPERIALS:** From _Star Wars._ **  
CAPTAIN NEEDA:** Had a brief appearance (and life) in _The Empire Strikes Back_. (The _Falcon_ hid on his Star Destroyer.) Gullible. See Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
TK-421:** Gullible and short-lived stormtrooper who was lured into the _Falcon_ in _Star Wars_. See Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
TK-422:** Just like TK-421. **  
CINDEL TOWANI:** Appeared in _The Ewok Adventure: Caravan of Courage_ and _Ewoks: The Battle for Endor_. Lives with Ewoks. **  
WICKET W. WARRICK:** The Ewok who found Leia in _Return of the Jedi_. **  
LOGRAY:** The Ewok medicine man in _Return of the Jedi_. **  
TEEBO:** The Ewok who wanted to roast Han in _Return of the Jedi_. **  
ASSORTED OTHER EWOKS:** What they sound like. **  
DARTH VADER:** Well, duuuuh. Yes, hes dead  see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
TIMID STORMTROOPER:** What it sounds like  and can you blame him? **  
MEZOTI:** Formerly Borg child on _ST:VGR_ , first appeared in _Collective_. See Appendix 2 under BORG SCOUTS. Yes, she left the ship, who gives a crap.  
**\------------------------  
16  
FANG:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS. **  
PATRICK:** Unstable genetically enhanced person from _ST:DS9._ ( _Statistical Probabilities_ , _Chrysalis_ ) **  
JACK:** Unstable genetically enhanced person from _ST:DS9._ Sometimes called Jack-Pack Jack. ( _Statistical Probabilities_ , _Chrysalis_ ) **  
LAUREN:** Unstable genetically enhanced person from _ST:DS9._ ( _Statistical Probabilities_ , _Chrysalis_ ) **  
CHIEF CHIRPA:** The Ewok leader in _Return of the Jedi_. **  
\------------------------  
17  
JENAVIAN CHATTO:** An intelligent and sophisticated, if ruthless, Disrupter (Peacekeeper undercover operative). Seen on _Farscape_ , in the _Look at the Princess_ trilogy ( _A Kiss Is But A Kiss_ , _I Do, I Think_ , and _The Maltese Crichton_ ). **  
FEMALE FOUNDER:** Repeating character (bad guy) on _ST:DS9_. **  
\------------------------  
18  
SCORPIUS:** Major bad guy/character on _Farscape_. We are ignoring his current changed circumstances. Or not changed. Actually, to be honest, I don't know what the _bleep_ he's up to. **  
LONG JOHN SILVER:** From _Treasure Island_ , don't ask me what he's doing here. **  
\------------------------  
19  
SNOOKUMS:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS. **  
KOSST AMOJIN:** The evil Pah-wraith noncorporeal thing on _ST:DS9_ , first encountered in _The Assignment_ and _The Reckoning_. **  
KOVAL:** Tal Shiar spy and ally of Sloan on _ST:DS9_. ( _Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges_ ) **  
JABBA THE HUTT:** Well, duuuuh. Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
BIB FORTUNA:** Jabba's maitre de in _Return of the Jedi_. **  
OOLA:** One of Jabba's dancing girls in _Return of the Jedi_. Yes, she's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
GAMORREAN GUARDS:** Jabba's palace's guards. **  
RIKER 2=VALERIE ARCHER:** Okay, this one's complicated. On _ST:VGR_ there is a very strange life form called Species 8472. At one point, a group of them replicated Starfleet Headquarters, and one of the few even remotely friendly ones was impersonating an officer named Valerie Archer. This is that Species 8472. ( _In the Flesh_ ) **  
\------------------------  
20  
FLIGHT ATTENDANT:** What it sounds like. **  
ADMIRAL RILEY BOREN:** Fabricated -- a really boring admiral. Get it? **  
YANAS TIGAN:** Ezri's controlling mother in _ST:DS9_. ( _Prodigal Daughter_ ) **  
JANEL TIGAN:** Ezri's older brother in _ST:DS9_. ( _Prodigal Daughter_ ) **  
NORVO TIGAN:** Ezri's slightly unstable younger brother in _ST:DS9_. ( _Prodigal Daughter_ ) **  
VORTA SCIENTIST:** What it sounds like. **  
XYON:** Character in _Star Trek: New Frontier_ novels. **  
KALINDA:** Character in _Star Trek: New Frontier_ novels. **  
LORE:** Data's evil twin in _ST:TNG_. ( _Datalore_ , _Brothers_ , _Descent_ ) Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
CROSIS OF BORG:** Lore's crony in _ST:TNG_. ( _Descent_ ) Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
BORG QUEEN:** Peculiar Borg in _ST:TNG_ ( _First Contact_ ) and _ST:VGR_ ( _Dark Frontier_ , _Unimatrix Zero_ ). Yes, she's dead, but we've seen her die _twice_ already and come back for more, so we might not even _need_ Appendix 2. **  
HUGH:** Individualistic Borg in _ST:TNG_. ( _I, Borg_ and _Descent_ )  


**\------------------------  
21  
ICHEB:** Formerly Borg child on _ST:VGR_ , first appeared in _Collective_. See Appendix 2 under BORG SCOUTS. **  
AZAN:** Formerly Borg child on _ST:VGR_ , first appeared in _Collective_. See Appendix 2 under BORG SCOUTS. Yes, he left the ship, who gives a crap. **  
REBI:** Formerly Borg child on _ST:VGR_ , first appeared in _Collective_. See Appendix 2 under BORG SCOUTS. Yes, he left the ship, who gives a crap. **  
JOSEPH SISKO:** Benjamin Sisko's father, repeating character on _ST:DS9_. **  
RICHARD BASHIR:** Julian Bashir's father on _ST:DS9_. ( _Doctor Bashir, I Presume?_ ) **  
AMSHA BASHIR:** Julian Bashir's mother on _ST:DS9_. ( _Doctor Bashir, I Presume?_ ) **  
LADY SIRELLA:** Mistress of the House of Martok on _ST:DS9_. ( _You Are Cordially Invited..._ ) **  
\------------------------  
22  
ZIRANNE:** Jadzia Dax's sister, as established in the novel _The Lives of Dax_. **  
QUI-GON JIN:** From _The Phantom Menace_. Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
OBI-WAN KENOBI:** The younger version, as seen in _The Phantom Menace_. His ghost is also present, we know, but we don't care. **  
\------------------------  
23  
QUEEN AMIDALA:** From _The Phantom Menace_.  
**HANDMAIDENS:** The young women who follow Amidala around in _The Phantom Menace_. **  
JAR JAR BINKS:** Hesa Gungan-- Excuse me; it seems to be contagious. From _The Phantom Menace_. **  
ANI (ANAKIN) SKYWALKER:** As appeared in _The Phantom Menace_. Yes, Darth Vader's also lurking around, but so what? **  
SARAH SISKO:** Benjamin Sisko's Prophet mother, as established in _ST:DS9_ episode _Shadows and Symbols_. **  
\------------------------  
24  
HOLOGRAPHIC CARMEN:** Obvious. **  
ENABRAN TAIN:** Cardassian spymaster on _ST:DS9_ ( _The Wire_ ), also Garak's father ( _In Purgatory's Shadow_ ). Also appeared in _Improbable Cause_ and _The Die is Cast_. Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
\------------------------  
25  
TK-423:** Just like TK-422. **  
ALYSSA OGAWA:** Appeared, among other times, on _ST:TNG_ episode _Lower Decks_. **  
\------------------------  
26  
VALERIE ARCHER=SPECIES 8472:** See earlier reference. **  
\------------------------  
27  
PATTERSON:** _Enterprise_ child; one of the winners of the primary-school science fair. _ST:TNG_ episode _Disaster_. **  
\------------------------  
28  
MARISSA:** _Enterprise_ child; one of the winners of the primary-school science fair. _ST:TNG_ episode _Disaster_. **  
GUINAN:** Repeating character on _ST:TNG_. **  
JAY GORDON:** _Enterprise_ child; one of the winners of the primary-school science fair. _ST:TNG_ episode _Disaster_. **  
\------------------------  
29  
VIC FONTAINE:** Repeating hologram on _ST:DS9_. **  
SAM LAVELLE:** Appeared on _ST:TNG_ episode _Lower Decks_. **  
TAURIK:** Appeared on _ST:TNG_ episode _Lower Decks_. **  
\------------------------  
30  
SITO JAXA:** Appeared on _ST:TNG_ episode _Lower Decks_. Yes, she's (assumed) dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
\------------------------  
31  
RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Fabricated. **  
REGINALD BARCLAY:** Repeating character on _ST:TNG_ and _ST:VGR_. **  
\------------------------  
32  
TAXCO:** Irritating Federation ambassador. ( _ST:DS9_ episode _The Forsaken_ ) **  
VADOSIA:** Irritating Federation ambassador. ( _ST:DS9_ episode _The Forsaken_ ) **  
\------------------------  
33  
ADMIRAL DOUGHERTY:** Appeared in _Star Trek: Insurrection_. Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
VORIK:** Minor character in _ST:VGR_ , Vulcan engineering officer.  
**PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY:** From _Farscape_. **  
\------------------------  
34  
KIRA MERU:** Kira Nerys's mother, who had a seven-year stint as a 'comfort woman' for Cardassians, and wasn't nearly upset enough about it. Yes, she's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. _ST:DS9_ episode _Wrongs Darker Than Death or Night_. **  
TORA ZIYAL:** Repeating character on _ST:DS9_ , Gul Dukat's half-Bajoran daughter. Yes, she's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
NATASHA YAR:** Main character on _ST:TNG._ Yes, she's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
\------------------------  
35  
ARLA REES:** Bajoran Starfleet officer, prone to being possessed by False Prophet of Jalbador, as appeared in _ST:DS9 Millennium_ books. **  
MARTOK:** Klingon Chancellor on _ST:DS9_ (got post near end of series). **  
\------------------------  
36  
ZEK:** The Grand Nagus of the Ferengi on _ST:DS9_. (First appeared _The Nagus_ ) **  
ISHKA:** Quark and Rom's unconventional mother on _ST:DS9_ ( _Family Business_ ). Currently involved with Zek ( _Ferengi Love Songs_ ). Repeating character. **  
\------------------------  
37  
EMPEROR'S GUARDS:** As seen in _Return of the Jedi_. **  
EMPEROR PALPATINE:** As appeared in _The Empire Strikes Back_ and _Return of the Jedi_. Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
LWAXANA TROI:** Counselor Troi's man-hungry mother. Has appeared on _ST:TNG_ and _ST:DS9_. **  
\------------------------  
38  
FALSE PROPHET OF JALBADOR:** Related to Prophets and Pah-wraiths, but not either. As appeared in the _ST:DS9_ _Millennium_ books. Sort of. The purple is my own invention. **  
RU'AFO:** Bad guy in _Star Trek: Insurrection_. Exaggerated. Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
BORING SON'A:** From _Star Trek: Insurrection_. **  
\------------------------  
39  
MICHAEL EDDINGTON:** Repeating character on _ST:DS9_ ; security officer who eventually defected to the Maquis and went a bit obsessive. Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
KALITA:** Maquis in _ST:TNG_ episode _Preemptive Strike_ and _ST:DS9_ episode _Defiant_. **  
\------------------------  
40  
MORE PEACEKEEPER FLUNKIES:** From _Farscape_. **  
GALLATIN:** Ru'afo's saner (and eventually good guy) second in command from _Star Trek: Insurrection._ **  
ANIJ:** Ba'ku in _Star Trek: Insurrection._ Captain Picard's girlfriend. **  
ARTIM:** Ba'ku in _Star Trek: Insurrection._ **  
SOJEF:** Ba'ku in _Star Trek: Insurrection._ Caricature! **  
ASSORTED BA'KU:** From _Star Trek: Insurrection_.  


**\------------------------  
41  
TALYN:** From _Farscape_ , Moya's son. Yes, he's (presumed) dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE.  
**BIALAR CRAIS:** From _Farscape_. Spent a long time deciding whether he's a good guy or a bad guy before settling on good guy, but with his own agenda. He's also (presumed) dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. **  
DR. LEWIS ZIMMERMAN:** Model for The Doctor on _ST:VGR_. Has appeared in several _ST:VGR_ episodes and in _Doctor Bashir, I Presume?_ on _ST:DS9_. **  
\------------------------  
42  
_ENTERPRISE_ MAIN COMPUTER:** What it sounds like. **  
DORREN TAL:** Harry Kim's disastrous girlfriend -- they became biologically co-dependent -- in _ST:VGR_ episode _The Disease_. **  
\------------------------  
43  
TOOTSIE-WOOTSIE:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS.  
**DARTH MAUL:** From _The Phantom Menace_. Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE.  
**HARRY &TAL=THE DISEASE:** It's too awful to describe. If you absolutely must know, see Appendix 6.  
**\------------------------  
44**  
**GINGER:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS.  
**MIKE NELSON:** From _Mystery Science Theater 3000_.  
**TOM SERVO:** From MST3K.  
**CROW T. ROBOT:** From MST3K.  
**GYPSY:** From MST3K.  
**TRIBBLES:** From _Star Trek_. See Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS.  
**\------------------------  
45  
FUZZY-WUZZY:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS.  
**\------------------------  
46**  
**SPACETAXI DRIVER:** What it sounds like. See Appendix 2 under SPACETAXI.  
**DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER:** A Mad Scientist from MST3K.  
**TV'S FRANK:** Dr. Forrester's assistant from MST3K.  
**MUTANT PIZZA:** A developing sentient life form. (Specifically, the pizza the _Enterprise_ engineers threw in the warp core was exposed to a little too much radiation and spontaneously came to life.)  
**BORG QUEEN=DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN:** Anyone who's seen the Borg Queen assemble herself knows this isn't terribly unusual. What _is_ unusual is that her body got accidentally lopped off by Darth Maul.  
**\------------------------**  
**47  
BRAIN GUY:** A.k.a. Observer, one of Pearl Forrester's minions in MST3K.  
**PEARL FORRESTER:** Another mad scientist on MST3K. (Dr. Forrester's mother.)  
**PROFESSOR BOBO:** Pearl's other minion, an ape.  
**\------------------------**  
**48  
JOEL ROBINSON:** From MST3K.  
**\------------------------  
49  
HAMMON TITUS:** From _ST_ novel _The Best and the Brightest_. A rather ill-behaved Starfleet cadet. Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE.  
**JAYME MIRANDA:** From the same novel, a not-exactly-top-student cadet. Yes, she graduated, but some people are just unlucky.  
**STARSA TARYN:** See above.  
**\------------------------  
50  
BAD ANDY:** The Dominos pizza puppet from the late ad campaign. You are probably saying either, 'Huh? I don't remember that,' or, 'That was really dumb.' We agree. But around the time Andy appeared, someone was quoted in the newspaper saying that if the stories were good, they "would watch _X-Files_ if Scully had Andy the Dominos Pizza puppet for a partner." So of course Andy showed up.  
**\------------------------  
51**  
**HAL 9000:** From _2001: A Space Odyssey_ , recently recruited as the _Enterprise_ -E's backup computer.  
**\------------------------  
52  
ARTOO-DETOO:** From _Star Wars_. I'm too lazy to figure out how he got to the station.  
**\------------------------  
53  
MALDIS:** Evil noncorporeal entity from _Farscape_.  
**\------------------------  
54**  
**MATTHEW PICARD:** Fabricated, sort of. See Appendix 2 under DARLING CHILDREN.  
**SOME TRIBBLES=RADIOACTIVE TRIBBLES:** Well, that's what happens when you eat mutant pizza, you know!  
**\------------------------  
55**  
**OLIVIA PICARD:** Fabricated, sort of. See Appendix 2 under DARLING CHILDREN.  
**MIMI PICARD:** Fabricated, sort of. See Appendix 2 under DARLING CHILDREN. Speaks with a high squeaky voice.  
**MADISON PICARD:** Fabricated, sort of. See Appendix 2 under DARLING CHILDREN. Speaks with an exaggerated lisp.  
**THOMAS PICARD:** Fabricated, sort of. See Appendix 2 under DARLING CHILDREN. Speakth wif an efen moh ekthaggerathed lithp.  
**\------------------------  
56**  
**(CREATURE IN GOLD BOOTS):** Main character in movie of the same name. See Appendix 2 under CREATURE IN GOLD BOOTS, THE.  
**LASSIE:** A widdle baby womp rat -- fabricated. See Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS.  
**\------------------------  
57  
DONALD LYDECKER:** A major character and part-time bad guy on _Dark Angel_. His nickname is Deck. Happens to look mysteriosly like Rudy Ransom... (Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE.)  
**\------------------------  
58  
RUDOLPH RANSOM:** Starfleet disgrace; especially detested by Captain Janeway. Appeared in _ST:VGR_ episode _Equinox_. Happens to look mysteriously like Lydecker... (Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE.)  
**MORE BABY WOMP RATS:** Fabricated -- see Appendix 2 under JACEN'S PETS.  
**\------------------------  
59  
WEIRD CREEPY ALIEN which proves to be named LXXRT!VVZXN:** Fabricated; what it sounds like.  
**\------------------------  
60  
ZACK:** Recurring character from _Dark Angel_ , a.k.a. X5-599. Yes, he's amnesiac, but we're ignoring it.  
**\------------------------  
61  
FOX MULDER:** Main character on _The X-Files_ , prone to alien abduction, but then you probably knew that already.  
**DANA SCULLY:** Main character on _The X-Files_ , also prone to alien abduction, but then you probably knew that already, too.  
**\------------------------  
62  
( _ENTERPRISE_ EMH):** An emergency medical hologram like The Doctor, only with some fabricated problems. **  
DDRR!SSNTX:** Another fabricated weird creepy alien.  
**MAX:** Main character on _Dark Angel_ , a.k.a. X5-452.  
**\------------------------  
63  
BEN:** A.k.a. X5-493; a seriously disturbed serial killer X5, _Dark Angel_ episode _Pollo Loco_.  
**CLOAKING DEVICE THIEF:** Wait for elaboration.  
**(MORE UNIDENTIFIABLE WEIRD CREEPY ALIENS):** Fabricated.  
**\------------------------  
64  
JORAN DAX:** Previous host of the Dax symbiont, musician, and serial killer, as seen in _ST:DS9_ episodes _Equilibrium_ and _Field of Fire_. Yes, he's dead -- see Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE.  
**BRACA:** Scorpius's head flunky; recurring character on _Farscape_.  
**PK BARBIE:** Scorpius's lovely assistant.  
**\------------------------  
65  
XHALAX SUN:** Aeryn Sun's psycho PK mother on _Farscape_ , as seen in _Thanks for Sharing_ , _Relativity_ , and _The Choice_. See Appendix 2 under DEAD PEOPLE. At least, I assume she's dead this time.  
> **\------------------------  
66  
PADMÉ NABERRIE:** As seen in _Attack of the Clones_. That means there are now two of her around, but it's still better than...  
**ANAKIN SKYWALKER:** As seen in _Attack of the Clones_. Yes, that makes three.  
**\------------------------  
67  
NORANTI:** A character on _Farscape_. Deeply disturbing. **  
SIKOZU SVALA SHANTI SUGAYSI SHANU:** A character on _Farscape_ , fourth season. Strange taste in men. _Real_ strange. I'm not kidding. For the sake of Cease not having to do more rewriting, we're ignoring the whole Scarran agent thing.  
**\------------------------  
68  
BUFFY SUMMERS:** Main character of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_.  
**\------------------------  
69  
MELE-ON GRAYZA:** Bad guy from _Farscape_ , end of season three and season four. Also known as Commandant Cleavage, with reason.  
**GRAYZA'S GROVELING MINIONS:** What they sound like. **  
\------------------------  
70  
DYLAN HUNT:** Main character on _Andromeda_. Caricaturized, because we have...mmmm... _issues_ with Kevin Sorbo, who apparently can't stand to play anyone smarter than he is.  
**ANDROMEDA ASCENDANT:** Major character and ship on _Andromeda_ ; has an android avatar which is usually called Rommie.  
**BEKA VALENTINE:** Major character on _Andromeda_.  
**FLUFFY:** A baby womp rat.  
**\------------------------  
71**  
**TYPICAL HANDMAIDEN:** What it sounds like. Got left behind.  
**\------------------------  
72  
ALEC:** Major character on _Dark Angel_ , a.k.a. X5-494. Ben's clone.  
**SEAMUS HARPER:** Major character on _Andromeda_.  
**\------------------------  
73  
JACK O'NEILL:** Major character on _Stargate: SG-1_. **  
SAMANTHA CARTER:** Major character on _Stargate: SG-1_ ; a.k.a. Sam. **  
DANIEL JACKSON:** Major character on _Stargate: SG-1_. **  
TEAL'C:** Major character on _Stargate: SG-1_.  
**\------------------------  
74  
SARA PEZZINI:** Main character of _Witchblade_.  
**SYDNEY BRISTOW:** Main character of _Alias_.  
**\------------------------  
75  
MAX EVANS:** Main character on _Roswell_ , a.k.a. Zan.  



	3. Appendix 2: Definitions

**APPENDIX TWO**  
LISTING OF PEOPLE, THINGS, AND CLICHÉS UNIQUE TO AOTA OR THAT HAVE BEEN AOTA-IZED:  


  
**02:00:** For some reason, a lot of stuff happens right about this time. **  
**AAAAAAAHHHHH: See SCREAMING.  
**_ABDUCT ME AND PERFORM BIZARRE EXPERIMENTS UPON ME_ :** An unfortunate SIGN shared by Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.  
**ALL BETTER NOW?:** Frequently asked of Arla Rees, with some reason.  
**ANCESTRAL WAR CRY:** [phrase of choice], you _bleep_ ing _bleeps_ of _bleeps_! **  
**ANNOYING PARENT/GUARDIANS: Frequently appear, often in large groups. Category includes parents, foster parents, teachers, aunts, uncles, and others.  
**ANTHROPOLOGY LAB:** Good feature for an exploration vessel, but this particular one's a little odd... **  
**BABBLE: Incomprehensible or meaningless speech. Includes BORG-BABBLE, DIPLOMATIC BABBLE, PROPHET-BABBLE, and Technobabble.  
**BEACH-IN-A-BOX:** And you thought drug addictions were bad... Takes holodiction to a whole new level. **  
**BENCHMARK: The person who possesses such skill in an art form that they are given an automatic rating of ten. See HITTING ON and SHRIEKING. **  
**BETA TAU ZETA: Sorority at Starfleet Academy. **  
**_BLEEP_ : Automatic editing system in action. **  
**_BLUNT INSTRUMENT_ : The Star Destroyer where the Empire sends the _really_ dumb people. **  
**BORG-BABBLE: Seven's unnecessarily technical terms. **  
**BORG GREEN SPINACH: Exactly what it sounds like. **  
**BORG SCOUTS: Four semi-Borg children on _Voyager_. **  
**BUCKETESE: A foreign language.  
**BUMPER STICKERS:** _1/2 Scarran On Board_ or _Honk if You've Slept With Commander Riker_. **  
**CASADILLA SONG, THE: Sung by Burgoyne. What else do we have to say? (If you like, see Appendix 6.)  
**CHOSEN ONE:** A hotly contested title. **  
**COFFEE-ZOMBIES: People who have gone into a zombie-like state due to an extreme coffee craving _or_ the overconsumption of coffee. Quite common among _Voyager_ crew. **  
**CORRIDOR GHOULS: Eyeless, large predators. Jacen's worst pets, all of them want to eat Anakin, none of them want to eat Jacen, some of them want to eat other people.  
**_CREATURE IN GOLD BOOTS_ , _THE_ :** Nauseating movie.  
**DARLING (or DAHLING) CHILDREN:** Matthew, Olivia, Mimi, Madison, and Thomas, Captain Picard's five children from his Nexus ultimate fantasy, inexplicably come back to haunt him. In addition to being nauseatingly cute, they all speak with very prim British accents, call Picard 'Pa _pa_ ,' emphasis on the second syllable, are _convinced_ Picard and Crusher are married, and will not take no for an answer on _anything_. They refer to the _Enterprise_ senior staff as 'Uncle' or 'Auntie' Childish Nickname. And they always wear little suits and party dresses.  
**DAVE:** The guy in _2001: A Space Odyssey_ whom Hal talked to. Sadly, Our Heroes haven't read the book and don't know that. **  
**DEAD PEOPLE: Expect to run into them at any time. **  
**_DEMOTE ME_ : Tom Paris's SIGN. **  
**DENEBIAN SLIME TRIBBLE: Do you really want to know? **  
**DIPLOMATIC BABBLE: Exactly what it sounds like; Leia uses it a lot. **  
**DISEASE, THE: Frightful condition. **  
**DOOFUS: In Ewokese, a deadly insult.  
**DRUMROLL OF DOOM:** Da-da-da-dum. Da-da-da- _dum_. **  
**DRUNKENNESS: Unfortunately frequent. **  
**_DUMFERSHIRE_ : A river in England? Common runabout name. **  
**EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE: See SHRIEKING. **  
**EMERGENCY (INSERT WORD OF CHOICE) KIT: Has everything. **  
**EMERGENCY RATIONS: Worse than glop-on-a-stick and almost anything else, but still better than Giju Stew. **  
**ENSIGN ANONYMOUS: The never-seen _Enterprise_ secretary. **  
**ENSIGN GOODHEART: _Voyager_ secretary, bearing an uncanny (and unnerving) resemblance to Constance Goodheart. **  
**ENSIGN LAMPSHADE: DS9 junior crew known for wearing a lampshade over his head to avoid dying. **  
**ENSIGN PESSIMISTIC: Self-explanatory. **  
**ENSIGN PILLOWCASE: Guess -- acts as DS9 secretary. **  
**ENSIGN X: _Voyager_ junior crew.  
**ENSIGN Y:** _Voyager_ junior crew.  
**EVIL ALIEN DENTIST CHAIRS:** What they sound like. Found on flying saucers.  
**EXCALIBURITIS:** Dreaded disease afflicting crew members of the starship _Excalibur_ , especially Selar and Burgoyne. **  
**FIGHTING: Anakin and Jacen fight constantly; other brawls between friends are far from unheard-of. <cough _D'Argo_ cough>  
**FRILLY PINK STRAITJACKET:** Don't even ask. **  
**FUNGUS PANCAKES: Exactly what they sound like. Produced in _Voyager_ mess hall. **  
**FUNKY MUSIC: See HOLD MUSIC. **  
**GENERIC STARSHIPS: Passenger line. **  
**GIJU STEW: Revolting concoction of Lando's. **  
**GLASSES-NOSE-AND-MUSTACHE: Bargain-basement disguise. Very popular. **  
**GLOP-ON-A-STICK: Sold at Deep Space Nine, often (though not always) by Quark. Revolting. **  
**GOLDFISH: Don't ask. _Please_. (If you insist, see Appendix 6.) **  
**HAZING: Unfortunately frequent, especially in Engineering. Includes: signs taped to backs, face-paint, and most of all duct-taping people to the warp core.  
**HELLOOOOO:** Phrase used by Vorta and zit-cream commercials. **  
**HEROES OF THE REBELLION DETECTOR: State-of-the-art Imperial equipment, kept on all ships -- even the _Blunt Instrument_. See also PLOT DEVICES, INC.  
**HEY-BAY- _BEE_ HEY-BAY- _BEE_ :** An extremely unsophisticated method of HITTING ON. **  
**HITTING ON: A ancient art; its present-day champion is Commander Riker. **  
**HOLD MUSIC: Annoying music common to all communicator 'hold' programs. Unlike other types of music, it has words. **  
**HOLD PROGRAMS: Videos made for communicators with screens. See also HOME VIDEOS. **  
**HOME VIDEOS: Generally embarrassing tapes of all sorts of stuff made by junior crew and/or security personnel. (Or the Doctor.) See also HOLD PROGRAMS. Examples in Appendix 4. **  
**HYPERDRIVE: It constantly breaks for any number of reasons.  
**"I HAD NO CHOICE":** Favorite phrase and evidently the personal motto of Captain Rudolph (Rudy) Ransom. Can be applied to any directive violation, sabotage, mass murder or torture, no matter how vile!  
**_I LOVE YOU..._ :** See MUMU THE HORTA and RORY THE RANCOR. **  
**_I'M GREEN_ : Harry Kim's SIGN. **  
**IDEA: What it sounds like, only thought up by someone without many good ones. Usually involves the sudden appearance of a lightbulb.  
**ILLEGITIMATE OFFSPRING OF MARILYN MANSON AND A HORNED MELON:** Darth Maul, maybe. **  
**'IN DISTRESS' SPEECH: Long, boring and obvious speech, most often recited by Picard.  
**INVISIBLE ROMULAN:** Imaginary. **  
**JABBIE DARLING: Trust us and _don't ask_. **  
**JACEN'S PETS: Animals of all sorts, few of them actually domestic, but some friendly. The majority, however, are dangerous to everyone except Jacen, or at least to Anakin. **  
**JACK: An inconveniently common name. **  
**JUNIOR CREW: Non-senior staff on ST ships, regardless of rank; most of them have read the Junior Crew Survival Guide. _Enterprise_ junior crew, in particular, are very jumpy. **  
**_JUNIOR CREW SURVIVAL GUIDE_ : Amounts to: If anything happens, stay out of the way. The senior staff will take care of it. Do not, _do not_ , attract attention. Do not under _any circumstances_ join away teams. **  
**KIDDIE SAFE-T SCISSORS: Extremely inefficient cutting tool.  
**_KIDNAP ME_ :** Dr. Bashir's SIGN. **  
**KILLER SALSA: Produced in _Voyager_ mess hall, this highly hazardous substance can burn through almost anything.  
**KIRK'S SYNDROME:** Disturbing condition with possibly even more disturbing effects on those near the person with the condition. It causes an exaggerated sense of self-importance, increased libido, and near-irresitiblility to any susceptible members of the opposite sex unfortunate enough to be in range. **  
**L-- E-- M--: Interesting rank.  
**L-- E-- M-- L-- _AHEM_ , LIEUTENANT:** Another interesting rank. **  
**LANGUAGE: Swearing. **  
**_LEGEND OF SPIDER ISLAND PARTY BEACH_ , _THE_ : Deeply disturbing movie. **  
**LIFE-SIZE SINGING DANCING MUMU THE HORTA: A toy that haunts the nightmares of parents everywhere. **  
**LONG-LOST TWINS: Donald Lydecker and Rudolph Ransom? **  
**LOVESTRUCK, LIEUTENANT: DS9 substitute security chief; in accordance with his job description, he is madly in love with Kira. **  
**MARBLE: Red/green and Bakuran; found in _Falcon_ 's compartments; usually illegal. **  
**MEGA-QUADRUPLE SUPER-EFFECTIVE NEW! IMPROVED! ROMULAN MEMORY SCANNERS: Don't ask. **  
**_MITCHELL LIVES BY NIGHT_ : Truly appalling movie. **  
**MUMU THE HORTA: The ST time period's equivalent of Barney, with an equally annoying theme song. **  
**MUSIC: See ROMANTIC MUSIC, SAD MUSIC, HOLD (FUNKY) MUSIC, _I LOVE YOU..._ , THE CASADILLA SONG, or Appendix Four.  
**MUTTER-MUTTER-MUTTER:** Exactly what it sounds like. **  
**_MY HEART WILL GO ON_ : See TITANIC-ITIS. **  
**NASHIRA: Completely invented for SW, Han &Leia's fourth kid, plant-lover, 9 yrs old.  
**NOBLE HERITAGE:** One of Si Cwan's favorite topics. The Klingons are kind of fond of it, too. And some Cardassians. And Luxans. And the odd admiral. **  
**NOMI: Completely invented for SW, one of Han &Leia's youngest and Wan-Wan's twin, though it doesn't show, 3 yrs old.  
**NUTRITIOUS GLOP:** Self-explanatory. **  
**OLD BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND: The arrival is always unexpected and usually unwelcome.  
**PEDOPHOBIA:** _Scared_ of kids, it means he's _scared_ of kids...  
**PERIOD CLOTHING:** See TITANIC-ITIS. **  
**PICKLED BORG: Don't even ask. **  
**PIRANHA BEETLE: Extremely nasty bug from Yavin 4. Swarms can devour humanoids in minutes. Jacen has some as pets. **  
**PIZZA: For some reason it turns up in weird places. **  
**PIZZA FOR THE AMPHIBIAN PALATE: Don't even ask.  
**PLOT DEVICES, INC.:** A company responsible for manufacturing, among other things, the Heroes of the Rebellion Detectors and the Senior Staff Emergency Alert Pagers. Also manufacture Leviathan devices for the Peacekeepers. **  
**POSTERS: _Have you seen me?_ or _Wanted! Dead or Alive!_ **  
**_PRINCE OF SPACE MUTINY_ : Tedious movie. **  
**PROPHET-BABBLE: Confusing language used by Prophets.  
**_RESURRECT ME_ :** Buffy Summers's SIGN.  
**REVOLTING DISOBEDIENCE:** The logical next step above gross disobedience. **  
**RIKER, SKIPPY: William Riker's insane twin. **  
**ROMANTIC MUSIC: Usually refers to Star Wars romance theme. Goes on a lot around Han and Leia. **  
**RORY THE RANCOR: The SW universe's equivalent of Barney, with an equally annoying theme song. **  
**SAD MUSIC: Goes on every time one of Jacen's pets dies; generally heard within a wide radius of both where Jacen is and where the pet was; if either was on a ship or space station, it's heard throughout. **  
**SCARLET DEATH: Extremely poisonous large red multi-legged bug. Jacen has several as pets. **  
**SCREAMING: Even more frequent than drunkenness.  
**SENIOR STAFF EMERGENCY ALERT PAGER:** A small device carried by the senior staff of Starfleet facilities which alerts them to various and sundry catastrophes. Usually works only while aboard the facility in question. See also PLOT DEVICES, INC. **  
**SHRIEKING: Not quite as common as screaming, fortunately. Its acknowledged master is Jool. **  
**SIGN: Hovers above people's heads flashing on and off. See _ABDUCT ME AND PERFORM BIZARRE EXPERIMENTS UPON ME_ , _DEMOTE ME_ , _I'M GREEN_ , _KIDNAP ME, RESURRECT ME_ , and _TORTURE ME_.  
**_SITH QUARTERLY_ :** Magazine.  
**SMALL SPLAT:** A supporting character on the RORY THE RANCOR show. **  
**_SMEAR! WEEKLY:_ Tabloid. ** _  
_**SOCIAL LIVES OF THE HEROES OF THE REBELLION: Holovid show that never got off the ground. **  
**SPACETAXI: Method of transportation. **  
**STARBASE ADMIRALS R US: Where _not_ to stop. **  
**STUFFED BORG: Don't even ask. **  
**SUNNY SUNNY HAPPY DAYS NURSING HOME: Rumored to be the eventual destination of Captain Picard. **  
**SUPER-BRIGHT HIGH-POWER FLASHLIGHT: Belongs to Anakin. Somehow he always manages to shine it in people's eyes. **  
**SUPERBALL, GIANT: Exactly what it sounds like. **  
**_SURVIVING THE SITH: A BEGINNER'S GUIDE_ : Helpful informational pamphlet published by the Jedi Order. **  
**TECHNOBABBLE: Confusing (and sometimes meaningless) terms. **  
**TITANIC-ITIS: Rare, untreatable, incurable, and _strange_ mental illness. Jor suffers from it. (Or rather, everyone else on _Voyager_ suffers because Jor has it.)  
**_TORTURE ME_ :** John Crichton's SIGN. **  
**TWO IN THE MORNING: See 02:00. **  
**U.S.S. _LEONARDO DICAPRIO_ : Jor's flying machine, based on the da Vinci design, equipped with boom box. **  
**UGGY-BUG: See SCARLET DEATH. **  
**VIDEO GAMES: Most of them are the same; small, obnoxious, handheld models. **  
**VOICE: If only we knew.  
**VOTEFERME, VEDEKS:** A common pest around Deep Space Nine whenever the position of Kai is open, or even might theoretically become open.  
**WAN-WAN:** Completely invented for SW, his actual name is Obi-Wan. One of Han and Leia's youngest and Nomi's twin, though it doesn't show. He sings the 'Rory the Rancor' song much too much. 3 yrs old.  
**WORRIED STARE:** Often has the unfortunate effect of boring two little holes in things.  
**XYZ-666:** Manticore transgenic? **  
ZOO:** What Jacen Solo carts around in his luggage.


	4. Appendix 3: Settings and Scenes

**APPENDIX THREE**  
SETTINGS AND SCENES  


  
**COCKPIT OF THE _MILLENNIUM FALCON_ :** Seen frequently in the _Star Wars_ movies.  
**FORWARD CARGO HOLD, _FALCON_ :** The main room on the _Falcon_ with the holographic board game table and the access plates for the hyperdrive, seen frequently in the _Star Wars_ movies.  
**PORTSIDE CARGO HOLD, THE _FALCON_ :** Another room on the _Falcon_.  
**STORAGE AREA, THE _FALCON_ :** Just a little room with lots of pets...  
**CAPTAIN SISKO'S OFFICE, OPS, DS9:** The ops office is frequently seen on _ST:DS9_.  
**WARDROOM, DS9:** Most often seen on the show as the site of parties.  
**CONFERENCE ROOM, DS9:** Just a generic conference room.  
**PROMENADE, DS9:** A lot will happen on the Promenade, some of it in far-removed locations. We do not know the exact layout of the Promenade.  
**RANDOM CORRIDORS, DS9:** These corridors are all pretty much identical, but there are a lot of them.  
**OPERATIONS, DS9:** Ops is the station's equivalent of a bridge.  
**SECURITY OFFICE, PROMENADE, DS9:** Also often seen on the show.  
**BRIDGE, STARSHIP _VOYAGER_ :** Duh.  
**BRIEFING ROOM, _VOYAGER_ :** That room off the bridge with the table.  
**DETENTION CELLS, SECURITY OFFICE, DS9:** Seen on the show.  
**AIRLOCKS, DOCKING RING, DS9:** A lot of airlocks will be seen, largely indistinguishable but separate.  
**CORRIDORS, DOCKING RING, DS9:** Like the random corridors but recognizably in the docking ring.  
**CORRIDORS, LOWER CORE, DS9:** Like the random corridors but recognizably in the lower core -- that is, dark and cruddy.  
**BAJORAN SHRINE, PROMENADE, DS9:** You know, that little shrine thing...  
**TAILOR SHOP, PROMENADE, DS9:** Garak's workplace, seen in the show.  
**QUARK'S BAR, PROMENADE, DS9:** Very often seen on the show. We aren't sure of its exact layout either.  
**WILDMAN QUARTERS, _VOYAGER_ :** Normal-looking starship quarters.  
**AIRLOCK, MOYA:** I'm not sure if they actually have airlocks as such, but they have some sort of equivalent.  
**PILOT'S DEN, MOYA:** Where Pilot is, often seen on _Farscape_.  
**CARIBBEAN BEACH SIMULATION, HOLOSUITES, QUARK'S:** Just a typical Caribbean beach.  
**CORRIDOR, JUST OUTSIDE OPS, DS9:** A specific random corridor.  
**BRIDGE, STARSHIP _DEFIANT_ :** Often seen on _ST:DS9_.  
**SECRET PASSAGES, DS9:** Seldom seen, but known to exist. (The Cardassians designed the place.) Probably rather beat-up.  
**SERVICE PASSAGE, PROMENADE, DS9:** The DS9 equivalent of a Jefferies tube.  
**READY ROOM, _VOYAGER_ :** Often seen on _ST:VGR_.  
**MESS HALL, _VOYAGER_ :** Often seen on show.  
**DOCKING BAY, _VOYAGER_ :** Or shuttle bay, call it what you want.  
**CORRIDOR, STARBASE ADMIRALS R US:** Another generic sort of corridor.  
**PUBLIC RESTROOM, PROMENADE:** Well of _course_ it has restrooms.  
**CONFERENCE ROOM, STARBASE ADMIRALS R US:** A generic conference room  if quite large.  
**KLINGON DELI, PROMENADE, DS9:** Not often seen, but known to exist.  
**ROOM OFF LOWER CORRIDORS, DS9:** An ill-repaired room.  
**CLOSET, LOWER CORE, DS9:** A closet.  
**PROMENADE WALKWAY, DS9:** Aka Promenade upper level. The Promenade has two levels. A lot of the upper one directly overlooks the lower one, with a railing and all.  
**CORRIDORS, HABITAT RING, DS9:** More random corridors.  
**BRIDGE, IMPERIAL STAR DESTROYER _BLUNT INSTRUMENT_ :** A typical Star Destroyer bridge, except for the stupidity.  
**DETENTION CELL, _BLUNT INSTRUMENT_ :** An extra-large Imperial detention cell, as seen in the movies.  
**DARTH VADERS LOUNGE, SUPER STAR DESTROYER _EXECUTOR_ :** Well, you wouldnt expect him to have a mere ready room, would you?  
**CORRIDOR NEAR THE INFIRMARY, DS9:** Another specific random corridor.  
**INTERIOR, JACK PACK'S STOLEN SHIP:** A little random ship.  
**TURBOLIFTS, DS9:** Several turbolifts will be seen. They're probably fairly similar.  
**INTERIOR IMPERIAL SHUTTLE:** As seen in movies.  
**SICKBAY, _VOYAGER_ :** Obvious.  
**INTERIOR, VERY SMALL BORG PARALLELEPIPED:** Borg cube, Borg sphere... See? All Borg-y.  
**VERY LONG LADDER, DS9 CORE:** A long access ladder.  
**INTERIOR _DELTA FLYER_ :** _Voyager_ 's best shuttle, as often seen.  
**PROPHET-LAND:** Sort of glowing white background, as seen on _DS9_.  
**ACCESS TUNNELS, DS9:** Again, Jefferies tube equivalents.  
**CORRIDOR, JUST OUTSIDE SICKBAY, _VOYAGER_ :** A specific random _Voyager_ corridor.  
**LANDING PAD, HABITAT RING, DS9:** Where they park the runabouts.  
**BRIDGE, STARSHIP _ENTERPRISE_ :** Picture the _Enterprise_ -E.  
**STAIRCASES ON THE PROMENADE:** Twisty spiral affairs that go (obviously) from one level of the Promenade to the other.  
**QUARK'S UPPER LEVEL:** Quark's bar makes use of the upper level. There are some tables up there. There's a specific staircase to the holosuites.  
**A GLOP-ON-A-STICK KIOSK, DS9:** Appendix 2 under GLOP-ON-A-STICK.  
**TURBOSHAFTS, DS9:** These are going to get a lot of traffic.  
**THE REPLIMAT, PROMENADE:** A restaurant of sorts; food is from replicators.  
**RANDOM ROOM, HABITAT RING, DS9:** Just a random room.  
**RANDOM CORRIDORS, _ENTERPRISE_ :** Again, we will be seeing a lot of these hallways.  
**VIC FONTAINE'S LOUNGE, HOLOSUITES, QUARKS:** Seen on DS9, 1950's-style Las Vegas lounge.  
**RANDOM QUARTERS, DS9:** Home of the random civilian and what they sound like.  
**MAIN ENGINEERING, _ENTERPRISE_ :** This is _Enterprise_ -E engineering. Duh.  
**TEN-FORWARD, _ENTERPRISE_ :** The lounge and bar on the _Enterprise_.  
**MAIN ENGINEERING, _VOYAGER_ :** Duh.  
**HYDROPONICS BAY, _ENTERPRISE_ :** Place where they grow plants in tubes of water.  
**UP THE WARP CORE, _VOYAGER_ ENGINEERING:** Well... if you climbed up the warp core... I suppose you'd find...  
**INTERIOR _DUMFERSHIRE_ :** Typical runabout interior.  
**INTERIOR SON'A SHIP:** See _ST:IX_.  
**COMMAND, TALYN:** Seen frequently on _Farscape_.  
**INTERIOR SATELLITE OF LOVE:** Seen in host segments of MST3K.  
**SICKBAY, _ENTERPRISE_ :** Duh.  
**INTERIOR SPACETAXI:** Well... just picture a taxi. In space.  
**UPPER LEVEL _ENTERPRISE_ ENGINEERING:** La-de-da.  
**READY ROOM, _ENTERPRISE_ :** Home of Captain Picard's little ships.  
**A VERY LONG CHUTE, THE _ENTERPRISE_ :** Long, dusty, dark chute from the bridge to the mysterious nursery. Wide enough so people don't get stuck in it.  
**MYSTERIOUS NURSERY, _ENTERPRISE_ :** A strange and eerie place of pink bunnies and yellow duckies.  
**DOCKING BAY, _ENTERPRISE_ :** Ho-hum.  
**ASTROMETRICS, _ENTERPRISE_ :** Room with a _really_ big viewscreen.  
**COMMANDER RIKER'S BATHROOM, _ENTERPRISE_ :** (Snicker.) We know he has a big bathtub... Surprisingly luxurious.  
**_ENTERPRISE_ ANTHROPOLOGY LAB:** A dry, dusty location, with ancient charts, mysterious stasis chambers, and an arcane assortment of artifacts.  
**INTERIOR FLYING SAUCER:** A strange and sinister locale.  
**COMMAND, PEACEKEEPER VIGILANTE:** Typical PK decor.  
**BRIDGE, ANDROMEDA ASCENDANT:** As seen on _Andromeda_.  
**DOCKING BAY OR REASONABLE FACSIMILE THEREOF, ANDROMEDA ASCENDANT:** What it sounds like.  
**DIPLOMATIC LOUNGE, DEEP SPACE NINE:** A sort of... lounge.  



	5. Appendix 6: Appendix 2 Explained

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where are Appendices 4 and 5, you may ask? I honestly do not know.

**APPENDIX SIX**  
EXPLANATION OF SOME PARTS OF APPENDIX TWO  


  
**02:00:** We don't really know why. **  
**AAAAAAAHHHHH: See SCREAMING.  
**_ABDUCT ME AND PERFORM BIZARRE EXPERIMENTS UPON ME_ :** Well, they _were_.  
**ALL BETTER NOW?:** This is the essence of what everyone was saying to Arla Rees at the end of the trilogy in which she helped almost get the universe destroyed.  
**ANCESTRAL WAR CRY:** Too many people in these things have ancestral war cries. This is what we suspect they may actually be saying. **  
**ANNOYING PARENT/GUARDIANS: It was just such a prevalent trend. **  
**ANTHROPOLOGY LAB: Originally a plot device. **  
**BABBLE: Fairly obvious.  
**BEACH-IN-A-BOX:** Peculiar simulator thing that Captain Ransom was extremely fond of. Not terribly exaggerated. **  
**BENCHMARK: Why not bring in Olympic ratings? (Not actually added during an Olympics, though.) **  
**_BLEEP_ : Some of these characters really need an automatic editing system. **  
**_BLUNT INSTRUMENT_ : Most Star Destroyers seem to be named after various violent stuff. It's a logical extension. Really. **  
**BORG-BABBLE: She does it so often. **  
**BORG GREEN SPINACH: We cannot remember. **  
**BORG SCOUTS: It's a name. **  
**BUCKETESE: Fairly obvious.  
**BUMPER STICKERS:** Why shouldn't spaceships have bumper stickers? Beyond the fact they don't have bumpers, that is... **  
**CASADILLA SONG, THE: If you really want to know, it was originally sung by Grover the waiter on _Sesame Street_. How it mutated to present form I'm not quite sure. **  
**COFFEE-ZOMBIES: Given how much coffee these people drink... **  
**CORRIDOR GHOULS: They appeared in one (1) Star Wars novel as a really pointless plot detour. We took 'em and ran.  
**_CREATURE IN GOLD BOOTS_ , _THE_ :** Combination of _Girl in Gold Boots_ and one of innumerable _Creature_ movies.  
**DARLING CHILDREN:** This takes a little more explaining. In _Star Trek: Generations_ , in the Nexus, Picard had a family with five darling children. They had names (that is, the actors' names), although these weren't mentioned in the movie. In AOTA, they have returned to haunt him. They are very prim and proper and speak in high, accented voices. Incidentially, it should be pronounced 'Dahling children.'  
**DAVE:** If you want to know more, see _2001_. **  
**DEAD PEOPLE: Who wants a fun character to be dead? **  
**_DEMOTE ME_ : Well, he _was_. **  
**DENEBIAN SLIME TRIBBLE: Brain hiccup. **  
**DIPLOMATIC BABBLE: Fairly obvious. **  
**DISEASE, THE: From the _Voyager_ episode _The Disease_. The episode description included the phrase 'biochemically co-dependant.' Ugh. The preview said something about 'lust in space' (though that tells you just as much about UPN as about the episode, I guess). More ugh. We didn't exaggerate as much as one might think. **  
**DOOFUS: I don't know why.  
**DRUMROLL OF DOOM:** Fairly obvious. **  
**DRUNKENNESS: Fairly obvious. **  
**_DUMFERSHIRE_ : Say it slowly. Get it? Doomed for sure. Think about what happens to 95% of runabouts. **  
**EMERGENCY (INSERT WORD OF CHOICE) KIT: Fairly obvious. **  
**EMERGENCY RATIONS: Fairly obvious. **  
**ENSIGN ANONYMOUS: We'd already given the other ships secretaries. **  
**ENSIGN GOODHEART: We got _way_ too much of a kick out of Constance Goodheart screaming. **  
**ENSIGN LAMPSHADE: Makes sense to us. **  
**ENSIGN PESSIMISTIC: Narrative tool. **  
**ENSIGN PILLOWCASE: Makes sense to us -- though we can't remember how secretary got into it. **  
**ENSIGN X: Fairly obvious.  
**ENSIGN Y:** Fairly obvious.  
**EVIL ALIEN DENTIST CHAIRS:** According to Cease's somewhat limited knowledge of _The X-Files_ , on at least one occasion one of the main characters has had their teeth pulled by nasty aliens. Desist confirms. QED  
**EXCALIBURITIS:** Look at this crew's _behavior_. Of course, Excaliburitis would technically mean inflammation of the Excalibur, but let's not go there. **  
**FIGHTING: Actually, Anakin and Jacen don't, or not nearly as much, but we happen to be siblings ourselves, you know...  
**FRILLY PINK STRAITJACKET:** Don't even ask. **  
**FUNGUS PANCAKES: At some point on _Voyager_ , Neelix served a fungus which nobody liked. Fungus everything followed. **  
**FUNKY MUSIC: See HOLD MUSIC. **  
**GENERIC STARSHIPS: Fairly obvious. **  
**GIJU STEW: Some incarnation thereof appeared in _Shadows of the Empire_. **  
**GLASSES-NOSE-AND-MUSTACHE: Fairly obvious. **  
**GLOP-ON-A-STICK: Actually called jumja sticks on the show. **  
**GOLDFISH: If you really want to know, Kebron made a comment in one of the books that he didn't need romance -- he had goldfish. We've blown it a little out of proportion. **  
**HAZING: Coming to you direct from Roseville, USA.  
**HELLOOOOO:** All right, this one's strange. In a radio commercial for Oxy zit-killer, the zit said 'hellooooo' in a voice which sounded _just_ like a Vorta. It was uncanny. **  
**HEROES OF THE REBELLION DETECTOR: Why not?  
**HEY-BAY- _BEE_ HEY-BAY- _BEE_ :** From a _Far Side_ comic. **  
**HITTING ON: Obvious. **  
**HOLD MUSIC: Taken from an irritating commercial, and we couldn't really understand the lyrics, so don't hold us to them. **  
**HOLD PROGRAMS: Fairly obvious. **  
**HOME VIDEOS: Fairly obvious. **  
**HYPERDRIVE: Fairly obvious.  
**I HAD NO CHOICE:** He said it _so many times_...  
**_I LOVE YOU..._ :** See MUMU THE HORTA and RORY THE RANCOR. **  
**_I'M GREEN_ : Well, he _is_. Still, The Disease notwithstanding. **  
**IDEA: Fairly obvious.  
**ILLEGITIMATE OFFSPRING OF MARILYN MANSON AND A HORNED MELON:** I got the idea from a newspaper comment and it was utterly charming. **  
**'IN DISTRESS' SPEECH: Picard is the type to make long boring patriotic speeches.  
**INVISIBLE ROMULAN:** It just sort of appeared. Or didn't appear. **  
**JABBIE DARLING: Just look for it in the teleplay. **  
**JACEN'S PETS: Jacen has in the novels displayed an affinity for all sorts of animals and a habit of acquiring strange pets. We carried this to its illogical extreme. **  
**JACK: Now, not all of these actually appear in The Magnificent Teleplay, but we have: Jack Crichton, Jack O'Neill, Jack-Pack Jack, _Titanic_ -itis Jack, Jack Bristow, Jack Crusher, and probably some more I forgot. I think that's a little excessive. **  
**JUNIOR CREW: People have talked about redshirts for ages. **  
**_JUNIOR CREW SURVIVAL GUIDE_ : Well, you'd think the redshirts would have noticed by now, wouldn't you? **  
**KIDDIE SAFE-T SCISSORS: Didn't you have 'em in kindergarten?  
**_KIDNAP ME_ :** Well, people _do_. **  
**KILLER SALSA: In one _Voyager_ episode, Neelix made some heartburn-causing _chili_. We remembered wrong.  
**KIRK'S SYNDROME:** Makes sense to us. **  
**L-- E-- M--: Tom got demoted in _Voyager_ 's fifth season. How could everyone possibly get it right every time?  
**L-- E-- M-- L-- _AHEM_ , LIEUTENANT:** He got reinstated at the end of the sixth season. Habits die hard. **  
**LANGUAGE: Fairly obvious. **  
**_LEGEND OF SPIDER ISLAND PARTY BEACH_ , _THE_ : Combination of _The Legend of Boggy Creek_ , _The Horrors of Spider Island_ , and _The Horror of Party Beach_. **  
**LIFE-SIZE SINGING DANCING MUMU THE HORTA: What's the only thing worse than a musical toy...? **  
**LONG-LOST TWINS: They're played by the same actor. **  
**LOVESTRUCK, LIEUTENANT: Okay. For _years_ , well over a decade, through multiple changes in government, Odo was station security chief. Right? And he was madly in love with Kira. Right? So that state persisted _so long_ , it became part of the job description. ... Well, we think it's funny, anyway. **  
**MARBLE: Mentioned in one book. It was red, but before rereading we both swore up and down that it was green. **  
**MEGA-QUADRUPLE SUPER-EFFECTIVE NEW! IMPROVED! ROMULAN MEMORY SCANNERS: In _Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges_ , Sloan dragged Dr. Bashir into a whole lot of trouble, including some with Romulan Memory Scanners. **  
**_MITCHELL LIVES BY NIGHT_ : Combination of _Mitchell_ and _It Lives By Night_. **  
**MUMU THE HORTA: As teenagers (okay, uh, now technically an ex-teenager in one case), we are naturally violently opposed to Barney in all forms. **  
**MUSIC: See ROMANTIC MUSIC, SAD MUSIC, HOLD (FUNKY) MUSIC, _I LOVE YOU..._ , THE CASADILLA SONG, or Appendix Five.  
**MUTTER-MUTTER-MUTTER:** Fairly obvious. **  
**_MY HEART WILL GO ON_ : See TITANIC-ITIS. **  
**NASHIRA: Jaina does machines, Jacen does animals, Anakin does computers... Makes sense, no?  
**NOBLE HERITAGE:** Anyone who talks about this needs to be smacked. **  
**NOMI: Why not?  
**NUTRITIOUS GLOP:** Self-explanatory. **  
**OLD BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND: It's so frequent.  
**PEDOPHOBIA:** Yes, we know he got much better about this over the course of the series, but it's funnier this way. **  
**PERIOD CLOTHING: See TITANIC-ITIS. **  
**PICKLED BORG: Can't remember. **  
**PIRANHA BEETLE: Explained above. **  
**PIZZA: Makes sense to us. **  
**PIZZA FOR THE AMPHIBIAN PALATE: Tom's favorite food is pizza. In _Threshold_ , he turned into an amphibian.  
**PLOT DEVICES, INC.:** Fairly obvious. I'm not kidding about the Peacekeeper devices/plot devices thing, by the way. First season, they did it more than once. **  
**POSTERS: Fairly obvious. **  
**_PRINCE OF SPACE MUTINY_ : Combination of _Space Mutiny_ and _Prince of Space_. **  
**PROPHET-BABBLE: Fairly obvious.  
**_RESURRECT ME_ :** Well, they _did_. **  
**REVOLTING DISOBEDIENCE: Fairly obvious. **  
**RIKER, SKIPPY: I don't know... it just sort of appeared. I did read a reference somewhere to an evil twin named Skippy, but I'm not sure where exactly. **  
**ROMANTIC MUSIC: It does. **  
**RORY THE RANCOR: See the reference under MUMU THE HORTA. **  
**SAD MUSIC: The music we have in mind for this is, believe it or not, the Artax-death-scene music from _The NeverEnding Story_. How weird is that? (By the way, Desist says the book is better than the movie.) **  
**SCARLET DEATH: Introduced in STN (one bit Tom). **  
**SCREAMING: Fairly obvious.  
**SENIOR STAFF EMERGENCY ALERT PAGER:** If they don't have them, they ought to.  
**SHRIEKING:** Fairly obvious. Those who have never heard Jool scream can't appreciate how awful it is, though. She melts metal. **  
**SIGN: Makes sense to us.  
**_SITH QUARTERLY_ :** Magazines are fun.  
**SMALL SPLAT:** An alternative Baby Bop, obviously. **  
**_SMEAR! WEEKLY:_ Fairly obvious. ** _  
_**SOCIAL LIVES OF THE HEROES OF THE REBELLION: Fairly obvious. **  
**SPACETAXI: Fairly obvious. **  
**STARBASE ADMIRALS R US: Product of our twisted imaginations. **  
**STUFFED BORG: Well, at some point in the distant past, someone in AOTA had a stuffed (as in taxidermy) Borg in the same sort of menacing posture as the stereotypical stuffed bear, with 'claws' upraised. **  
**SUNNY SUNNY HAPPY DAYS NURSING HOME: Can't remember quite how we came up with it, but isn't it great? **  
**SUPER-BRIGHT HIGH-POWER FLASHLIGHT: Fairly obvious. **  
**SUPERBALL, GIANT: Fairly obvious. **  
**_SURVIVING THE SITH: A BEGINNER'S GUIDE_ : Why not? **  
**TECHNOBABBLE: Fairly obvious. **  
**TITANIC-ITIS: Cease was in ninth grade when _Titanic_ came out, and Desist was in fifth. I swear, three-quarters of the girls in both our grades, and all the grades in between, had this illness. As for Jor getting it, we don't know how or why... it just happened.  
**_TORTURE ME_ :** Well, people _do_. **  
**TWO IN THE MORNING: See 02:00. **  
**U.S.S. _LEONARDO DICAPRIO_ : There was a da Vinci flying machine in one Voyager episode; see TITANIC-ITIS. **  
**UGGY-BUG: Ask Desist's friend. **  
**VIDEO GAMES: Fairly obvious. **  
**VOICE: Our snarky comments.  
**VOTEFERME, VEDEKS:** Makes sense to us.  
**WAN-WAN:** Why not?  
**WORRIED STARE:** Fairly obvious.  
**XYZ-666:** Fairly obvious, but by the way, is there any sort of logic to those numbers which come after 'X5'? I haven't been able to work any out. **  
ZOO:** Fairly obvious.


End file.
